Philistine: 5

One mans attempt to win back his ex-girlfriend… and learn art.

            Some of you may have thought that I’d just given up on becoming a world famous artist and winning my ex-girlfriend back, and you weren’t far off – except for the fact that you were completely wrong.  You see, to prove my ex-girlfriend, who constantly told me, “Natty, you never follow through on anything… also, I faked all but two of them,” (seriously, she has this ability to make them seem like they belong together, I don’t know how she does it) wrong, I will never give up; not until I’m Banksy famous (the only difference is you’ll know who I am, I’ll win the Oscar, and my art won’t be derivative).  And though it may seem like I haven’t been productive for months, in truth I’m actually even closer to both goals than I’d ever imagined I’d be.

             So, you’re probably all wondering if I didn’t just give up, where have I been all this time?  Well, one thing I’ve learned in my quest to become a world famous artist is that all your favourite artists have gone through a reclusive period (however, apparently they don’t all pee into milk jars, Howard Hughes style.  But sometimes, when you’re creating art, the bathroom can be pretty far away – it’s also sometimes far away when you’re not creating art too).  In fact, I can safely assume that most artists went through a reclusive phase, you just didn’t hear about it, because during their reclusive phases they weren’t giving interviews (you can’t go around giving interviews while you’re being reclusive, that’d be counterproductive to the whole process).  So, while you guys have feared that perhaps I died, I’ve actually just completed another step in my quest to become a world famous artist.

            Going recluse, as I’ve coined it, really freed me to become completely engrossed in my art.  It’s actually a very strange process, and since most of you have probably never gone through a reclusive period, I figured I’d describe the process to you in detail.

            Step one is actually pretty simple; it’s just realizing that art is your entire life.  I, obviously, skipped step one because, let’s be honest, this whole art thing is just part of getting my ex-girlfriend back, and once we’re back together, I plan on scrapping this whole thing – arts not really for me.

            Step two is when you realize that, though you have a ton of free time now, what with having dedicated your entire life to making art, you actually have to spend that time making art and not just hanging out with you friends getting day drunk.

            Step three is realizing that getting day drunk, however only while working on art, is completely acceptable, and, in fact, encouraged.

            Step four is, well, I don’t actually know if step four is the same for everyone; but, for me, step four was waking up from a seven-month booze and drug induced haze having created the most amazing art known to man… only to realize I was still kind of in that haze and the art was just pretty good. 

But there was a ton of it.

            The surplus of art after coming out of my reclusive phase was just one of the many benefits of me going through the whole thing.  Having disappeared for that long and then just reappearing, people are obviously just going to be begging for my art, because they thought they’d missed their chance at getting their hands on a Nathaniel Moher original.

            And the same thing will obviously apply to my ex-girlfriend.  Because, during my recluse phase I didn’t once call her, drop by her house/work/friends house/doctor’s office, e-mail her, tweet at her, or attempt any sort of contact with her what-so-ever.  (I did, however, Facebook stalk her, which is completely acceptable during a reclusive phase.)  And that’s exactly what she needed, some time to remember how great I was, and worry that she may have missed her chance with me.

            So, I’m back, and going full force.  Getting Banksy famous, and getting my ex back.